Our family is changed.

Note: I contemplated putting this post up on the blog. It is not upbeat, not funny, not silly, nothing like the things I normally blog about. When I started this blog I meant for it to document our day to day life. Fortunately, we've had a lot of lighthearted stuff to post about. Unfortunately, this post is sad, but it's part of our life and this event has changed my family.

A week ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant. I was shocked, but so happy. Up until now I have not blogged about our fertility struggles, but we have been seeing Dr. S. for fertility treatments for a little while now. So the news of our pregnancy was definitely happy news. I found out first (obviously) and called the doctor right away. His nurse sent me over to St. Agnes Hospital for some lab work. I was only a little bit concerned because I had been spotting for about three weeks. The nurse assured me that that was not uncommon, and told me not to worry about that right now.

About an hour after my lab work was done, the nurse from Dr. S's office called me and said that I was indeed pregnant and that based on my levels I appeared to be 4-5 weeks along. Lou and I both had doctor's appointments (with our family doctor) that afternoon so I met him at Dr. G's office. I handed him the pregnancy test that I had taken earlier and he was shocked and excited too. We both were so happy and felt excited to share our news with our family. Even though we just found out we felt like it was something we couldn't keep from our family. They all knew how long we had been trying, and we knew they would all be so happy for us.

We told all of our family our exciting news over the weekend. I was feeling good and the spotting stopped totally so that made me feel better. We felt wonderful!

On Monday morning I went to the hospital for some more lab work to make sure that my hcg levels doubled. The lab work was quick and easy and now I was just waiting for the doctor's office to call me. I wasn't too worried...I felt great. At about 4:45pm the nurse from Dr. S's office called and said that my hcg levels didn't double. She said they went up, but they only went up a little bit. I asked her what this meant and she was reluctant to tell me anything. She said that she would talk to the doctor and call me back by 6:00pm.

I rushed home to Lou and cried the whole way. I knew by the way she sounded that this wasn't a good sign. Lou and I talked and came to the conclusion that as of right now...I was pregnant and I was going to stay positive and take care of my body. The nurse called us back and said that Dr. S wanted me to retest next Monday. So until then...I was going to be positive about this pregnancy.

The next day I felt a little worried and decided to stay home from work. I rested most of the day and didn't get out of bed or off the couch too much. I was feeling this unusual pain in my right side and no matter how I laid or sat it would not go away. At about noon I called Dr. S's office and told them about my pain. The nurse asked me a lot of questions and told me that I could take Tylenol for the pain. She sent me to the lab for a urine test to rule out a bladder or kidney infection. By 4:00 that afternoon I had not heard back from Dr. S's office about my lab work so I called them. The nurse asked me how I was feeling and if the Tylenol was helping. The pain was still there, but the Tylenol did help a little. She told me that my urine test results had not come back yet, but that she would have them in the morning. If the pain got any worse or went down into my abdomen I needed to call the doctor's office right away.

That night I got into bed with Lou about 9:00. As we were getting comfortable I just had this feeling that something was wrong. The pain was down in my lower stomach and I really wasn't getting much relief. I told Lou that I thought I should call the doctor. Luckily, Dr. S. was on call and so I was able to talk to him directly. He didn't hesitate to send me over to the hospital right away. We made arrangements for my mother-in-law to come and stay with Jackson (he was already asleep).

Lou and I got to the hospital about 9:45pm. We checked in and sat in the waiting room. Scared about what the lab work and exam might reveal we tried to prepare ourselves for what we might find out. We waited over an hour before we even got called back. I was called back about 11:00 and we were seen by the ER doctor, Dr. Claypool, fairly quickly. I told him all of my news and what my symtoms were. He told me that I would go for an ultrasound and they would take another sample of blood.

We were sent back to the waiting room. It was more crowded by that time. I didn't have to wait long before they called me back for my ultrasound. Unfortunately, Lou couldn't come. He was worried and I felt vulnerable to go without him, but we knew we had to find out what was going on. The ultrasound took a while...well longer than any ultrasound I had had in the past. I went back to the waiting room to meet Lou. We waited for what felt like the longest stretch so far. Probably because we were exhausted by that time.

About 1:15am they called us back. We walked past all the holding rooms and we were put into a room with a bed. I was given a gown and told to put in on. We asked what was going on and the lady told us that DR. Claypool was on the phone with our doctor, Dr. S. and he would be right in.

We were worried. I knew something was wrong.

Dr. Claypool came in quickly and let us know that I had a ectopic pregnancy. Dr. S. had told us this might be the case. I was being admitted to the hospital and Dr. S. would come in the morning to do the surgery to remove the pregnancy.

Lou broke down right away and when we were left together in the room we both began to cry. I felt awful. Sad, mad, hurt, and exhausted. Dr. Claypool came back to answer some of our questions and we learned that since my pregnancy was in my fallopian tube, it had to be removed quickly or it may become life threatening for me. He said that it was fairly routine surgery and that our doctor had a good reputation (we knew that...it's why we picked him).

I told Lou to call my mom. It was about 2:00am, but I wanted her to know what was happening. My mom came and stayed with me while Lou went home to get some rest and get Jackson off to school the next morning. I went through the past few days events with my mom as we sat in the ER waiting for me to be assigned a room. I thought of everyone I would have to tell this horrible news to and I hated the thought of having to talk about it over and over again. It was heartbreaking to me.

At 4:00am I was assigned a room and by this time I was just exhausted. My mind was running so quickly, but my body was a wreck. My nurse, Maryjane made me as comfortable as could be and told me to get some rest. I closed my eyes, but didn't really sleep for the next hour. At 5:40am I asked my mom to close the door of my hospital room and that helped a little. Without the noise of the nurses station I was able to sleep about an hour.

At 7:00am Dr. S. came in. I felt my face light up when I saw him. I have developed a good relationship with Dr. S. over the past few months and I trusted him totally to perform this surgery. He sat on the edge on my bed and looked at my tummy. He told me that he suspected my pregnancy was in my right tube, and that he would go in through my belly button to remove it. He said even if the pregnancy was not in the tube, it was not a good pregnancy and it would have to be removed. I asked him all of my questions and he left to make arrangements for my surgery.

About 8:00am Lou came in and about 5 minuted later things were moving quickly. Someone had come to take me to surgery. I didn't really have too much time to prepare myself. They needed to take me right away. I got down to the Outpatient Surgery Center and was taken to prepare for surgery. Lou and my mom had to wait in the waiting room and I felt scared. About 45 minutes later I was able to have visitors again. My mom and Lou came back to be with me while I waited for Dr. S. and the anesthesiologist to come in. My sister Brittany came to see me and that made me feel good. She made me laugh a little while I waited for my surgery.

Lou and my mom had begun making phone calls to family members and letting them know what was happening. Just before noon, I went in to surgery. I was more sad than scared. We had een taking fertility drugs for a while now and I thought to myself, "I thought the hard part was over."

My sugery didn't last long (a little over an hour..I think). Everything went fine and I was okay to go home. About 15 hours after I had been admitted to he hospital I was on my way home. I got into bed and slept a few hours. Not too long, but it was restful. Getting back into bed later that night I fell apart. I felt like it was so unfair. I had wanted this so badly and so quickly it was gone. I had been happy and excited for just a few days and now I was back where I started. My heart was breaking.

Over the last few days my family and some of our friends have been so supportive. I have recieved phone calls and visits from so many people that care about us. I haven't felt like returning all the calls yet...It's still hard to talk about, but I appreciate them all. I have a lot more strength today and am starting to move a bit more.

I don't really know how Lou is doing with all of this. I don't think he's really let himself process it all yet. He has been so good at taking care of me. This has changed our family and made our desire for a baby only that much stronger. This event has been so completely hard for me, but has brought me even closer to Lou. (I never think that we can get any closer, and something like this happens and my love for him grows so much.) Lou, I love you. Thank you for taking care of me through all of this. I know this is hard for you too.

Thank you to our family and friends for all your support and love.